Thursday, May 9, 2013

DAY 610... Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Failing

Okay so I know that it's only been 4 days since Spencer left and maybe that's not enough time to judge a success or a failure due to the time that it takes to get use to the changes that have occurred. But still... I feel like I'm failing thus far. Aniston cries every night for her Daddy. Apparently when we were preparing for him to leave we didn't consider the fact that Spencer always puts Aniston to sleep. She loves to fall asleep on her Daddy. Well, I think this has been and will continue to be the biggest adjustment in this process for her. Even if she is exhausted she will cry out for "Dada" and then maybe, if I'm lucky, after 30 minutes, if not more, she will eventually give in to her exhaustion.

Everything is harder when you're doing it on your own with a baby. Grocery shopping is hard, keeping the house clean is hard, finding time to take a shower is hard, doing my hair is hard, doing homework is hard, going to work is hard... EVERYTHING IS HARDER!!! Aniston knows that something is different, but of course she doesn't completely understand. She cries a lot more and wants to be held a lot more. Definitely not complaining about this because Ani has never been a cuddly baby. I just wish she wasn't always sad when she wants to cuddle. She has been AMAZING at taking good long morning naps which generally gives me time to get the house cleaned and to actually get ready for the day.

As hard as this has been for me, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for my awesome husband. Spencer doesn't get to see his baby everyday, except for the 20 pictures and 3 videos a day that I send. He doesn't get to be in his home. He is working a new job and that's always terrifying!!! I am so grateful for him and his sacrifices for our family. As hard as I think that I have it right now, I think that he might just have it a tad bit more difficult. Although it does look like it isn't all work up north...

Is it strange that I feel as though this time apart from Spencer, is bringing us closer? I often take things for granted, and as awful as it is I probably took him for granted. I feel so thankful for him and for everything he did while he was here. He is such a great husband and a great dad! I hope that I can always remember how it feels to be alone and without him so that I never take him for granted ever again!

This week I may be failing in certain things, but I'm sure that I am learning and growing at the same time. I wish that there was some way that I could express to Aniston how hard I am trying to be the best mother for her. But I guess for now, I will just try to be more patient with her and try to understand that she cannot understand.

4 Days down... 86 to go!!!!

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