Thursday, February 4, 2016

DAY 1613... How Change Has Affected Us

Change is basically a 4 letter word in my opinion.
It's not nice.
It's not easy.
It just doesn't make life simple or fun.

I hate it.
I know,
hate is strong word,
but's it really the best word to effectively express my negative feelings towards change.

A little over a month ago a big change occurred in our family.
My husband moved to Las Vegas for a 14 week internship.
Due to extended family reasons,
he actually left a week early so it's more like a 15 week internship.

Not having Spencer here has been really rough.
Not just on me,
but it has been really hard on our children.


Having Spencer not home has really affected Benson.
Maybe I didn't really think it through,
Maybe I just figured he was so little still that he wouldn't really care.
I mean Spencer was never home last semester because of his crazy coursework,
so would it really be any different?
Oh yeah.
It would be very different.

Since Spencer has left Benson has developed insane amounts of separation anxiety.
If I even leave the room that he is in,
But still stay in the same general area... He just can't see me
we have problems.
Melting down,
screaming at the top of his lungs,
banging his head on the kind of floor problems.
This was never an issue before.
I know that children typically go through this,
Aniston never did,
weird child,
but usually it happens.
It happened overnight with Benson and I do not think that the timing is a coincidence.

When we Facetime with Spencer,
Benson loves to touch the screen and "touch" Spencer's face.
I think he really misses having his Daddy here,
and he probably,
even though he doesn't know it,
misses having a male figure in the home.

My Dad and my brother Ryan have been amazing with Benson,
but it's still not the same as your Daddy.


Ani loves her Dad,
but she has never had a crazy strong bond with him.
In the beginning,
she would stay at home with Spencer while I would work.
They grew super close together during this time.
Then when I started be to home more, 
that changed.

At first,
Ani was really concerned about where Dad was.
Why was his toothbrush missing?
Where was his car?
But over time,
she has stopped asking these questions.

The biggest issue Aniston has had with changed deals with potty training.
Aniston has been potty trained since a month before she turned 3.
But since Spencer has left,
we have had a lot of accidents.
And I mean A LOT.
Not just potty accidents either.
Totally gross.

But I have done a TON of research about it,
and this is one way that children going through a change,
or who suffer from anxiety,
express their emotions.
Their bodies are just too little,
and their minds don't quite understand what is happening,
so the two just don't communicate with each other,
and something that was so easy and controlled before,
suddenly becomes uncontrollable.

It's really hard for me not to get mad at her for her accidents.
Really hard.
I think it's absolutely disgusting,
and emotionally I'm running pretty dry too.
That never helps a situation.

She has never had accidents at gymnastics or dance or church or in public,
only at preschool and at home.
She goes to preschool twice a week for 2 hours each time.
I have always sent her with an extra set of clothes,
and it is such a sinking and defeating feeling when I go to pick her up and she is wearing those extra clothes.
It just kills me.
it makes me feel like the biggest failure as a parent.
But the other day,
she not had only 1 accident at school,
but 2.
It's so embarrassing and sad.
My heart breaks for her especially because she doesn't understand.
But it's something we are working on currently.
She has started going to school with a pull up on.

She has also started getting a little to use to Daddy not being home.
At church the other week she was asked to draw a picture of her family.
She drew herself, Benson and Mom.
When I asked her where Dad was she said "Vegas. He's not with our family anymore."
How do you explain this kind of stuff to a kid?
I promise child,
he is coming back!

She loves to Facetime with him,
and to show him her new tricks.
But I think the she is confused and a little anxious about the situation.

I suffer from extreme anxiety and if somehow I passed that to her,
I would never forgive myself. 
It's a horrible thing to live with and deal with.
I can't imagine having the feelings and emotions I have as a 3 year old.


I understand the situation the best.
I know that Spencer is coming home,
and I know that the hardship is temporary.

That doesn't mean that I don't miss him.
I don't miss sharing the king sizes bed,
but I do miss adult conversations,
physical contact with him,
I miss him telling me that I'm beautiful everyday,
holding hands with someone who's hands are much larger than mine,
sitting in the passenger seat,
and so much more.

I think that emotionally I have really pushed things aside.
I don't ever want to feel like I am a burden for someone,
so I act like everything is okay,
all the time,
even when it's really not.
I keep my house insanely clean,
I keep my children properly dressed and hair done nicely,
and I only cry after they are in bed and I'm alone.

From the outside we look put together and completely happy,
but on the inside it's a HUGE mess.

I have never liked to ask for help,
so the only people I ask are my parents.
They're good people and have been more than helpful during these past 5 weeks.
I can probably never thank them enough for everything that they have done for me and my family.

I find myself incredibly impatient.
Not that me being impatient is anything new,
but it's really tough being a parent all day,
every day,
and to constantly be patient with children.
Needless to say...
I pray every night for renewed patience and strength to make it through the day.

I have been able to organize my time so that I have certain times that are just for me.
This may have to continue when Spencer returns.
I have really enjoyed being able to exercise and to be able to 
and spiritually
get a grasp on my life.


I complain to him how difficult my day has been,
or how the kids are driving me crazy.
But he reminded me how hard it is for him not to see them and physically hold them everyday.


I felt like the worst spouse in the world when he brought that up.
I would die.
I miss my kids when I'm apart from them for a single night.
So much.

I don't know in detail all of the struggles that Spencer has had with this change,
but I know that not being able to see the people who matter the most to you cannot be easy.

I know that Spencer is doing the right thing in his life right now,
and the best possible thing for our little family.
I know that we will be blessed by him taking this internship and by working so hard.
But the change has been difficult on all of us.

I am counting down the weeks,
and minutes 
until he returns in April.

But until then...
Spencer is coming for a visit today!
We get our Daddy for 4 whole days and it is going to be great!
Just hopefully things don't get worse when he leaves again...

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