Friday, November 13, 2015

DAY 1527... What If I Fall

Fears come and go.
They are constantly changing and adjusting as your circumstances change.

When I was in Kindergarten, we went to a friends house for a BBQ with my family. I remember the house being light, white and airy decorated in lots of different shades of blue. After we had eaten and were exhausted from hours of tag and toys, the kids ended up in the living room where the 1978 Superman movie was playing. It terrified me to my very soul. From that day until December of 2005, so for about 14 years, I prayed, every prayer, that there would be no earthquakes. Thank you Superman. All of the nightmares involved earthquakes, pretty much all of my fears revolved around earthquakes. Then, my family moved to Hilo, HI. And while eating with some friends at Ken's Pancake House one night, I experienced my very first earthquake. It was nothing compared to the Superman movie, but it relieved some of my fears. I had survived, everything was okay, and I didn't feel the need to pray that an earthquake wouldn't happen. I still avoid potential earthquake related activities, movie watching (San Andres), TV shows about natural disasters, etc. But It's not something on the front of my mind constantly.

From before I could even remember I have always loved singing. However, despite 7 years of voice lessons and countless choir performances I didn't enjoy singing in front of people. I fear judgement and what others think about me pretty heavily. In 201 during a church talent show I broke the mold and played the piano and sung in front of a room of about 30 people. I haven't done it since and probably won't again for a while, but it helped me. I also recorded the song and my Dad, who is a BYU-Idaho professor, uses it in one of his presentations that he shows to his safety class.

Kind of fun.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that fear is a normal emotion.
Your fears just change all the time.

In 2007, my family began fostering two young children.
To put them to sleep at night I would make up stories about a made up character and his world.
Soon after,
the rest of  my family began listening to my stories,
they encouraged me to write them down.
So I did.
The number of stories grew and grew.
Pretty soon I begun illustrating them as well.

It's been 9 years since I created this character
his world
and these stories.
They have become a huge part of my life and family gatherings.

My life now is nothing like my life was when I created my green friend and his life.
I wasn't married,
I hadn't even met Spencer,
I had no kids,
I didn't have my bachelors or masters degree,
My life was no where close to being what it is now.
So many things have changed.
But the ggg remained my constant.
He was always there,
Always waiting.

After years of support and encouragement from my family,
My Dad in particular,
I have decided to move forward with the publishing of the book.

My fear of failure has really hindered me in doing this sooner.
The fear of rejection hasn't helped much either.

These stories are weird.
I mean super weird.
They are not your typical children's book.
I'm worried people won't get it.
I'm worried people won't like it.
And I'm so nervous to put my baby out there for that type of judgement.

Of course,
The more time I spend at the library with my own children,
the more I realize that there are some really really weird children's books.
So maybe mine will have a place to fit in after all.

I'm terrified.
Probably more scared than I have ever been.

As I have spent the past couple of weeks editing
and illustrating
and preparing the pages to send off to publishers,
my fears have only intensified.
I am so deeply in love with my character and his weirdly fascinating world.
I don't want to disappoint or fail with this.
But it's time.
I think that I'm ready for this piece of my soul and heart to be exposed.

I actually don't know if you can truly ever be ready for something like this,
but I will never know if I don't try.

Since becoming a Mom,
I have tried to set a good example for my kids.
Key word, "tried".
I want my children to know that it's okay to be scared.
I want my kids to know that sometimes,
in order to reach your full potential
and accomplish your goals,
you have to push past those fears 
and be brave.
And what better way to teach that then to demonstrate?

These stories and characters are something that I believe in.
Something that love.
Something that I am so passionate about.

I may fall,
and I may fall pretty darn hard,
but what if I fly?
What if some publisher out there decides that my work is worth it?
As they say on Angels in the Outfield,
"It could happen."


  1. I am so proud of you!! I can't wait to see what your journey holds for you! P.s. I love the flash back of when we could get you to sing at YSA activities. Love that song! Love your voice!

  2. That is amazing that you conquer your fears. I admire you for moving forward with your dream even though you're very worried. I hope a publisher realizes your talent. I've been loving reading your posts. I would read your children's book :) Good luck!

  3. That is amazing that you conquer your fears. I admire you for moving forward with your dream even though you're very worried. I hope a publisher realizes your talent. I've been loving reading your posts. I would read your children's book :) Good luck!