Tuesday, November 11, 2014

DAY 1169.... Irrational Irritations

I have always been an emotional person. Many of my decisions in life have been emotionally driven and those around me are very aware of my crazy emotions. Pregnancy does not help this situation in any way. Pregnancy only enhances my crazy emotions. My poor husband.

Lately I have found myself so incredibly irritated over the dumbest little things, that even I get annoyed with myself! I know I'm just at the very end of pregnancy, hurting, not sleeping at all, on and off bed rest and just done with being pregnant and so that doesn't help to not being irritated. Plus I'm pretty sure I will be upset until brother comes considering that we were at the hospital last week and they told us we weren't leaving without a baby, and here it is a week later and we are still without a baby. Seriously, who tells an extremely pregnant and emotional lady that and doesn't fulfill their end of the deal. Not cool. I think I'm pretty justified in that irritation.

I am irritated because it snowed today. Ridiculous.I know. Especially when it makes my two year old so excited that all she has done for the first few hours of being awake is look out the window and ask for a hat because it's cold outside. As annoying as snow is, when it makes my child that happy, I shouldn't be too irritated because her happiness means the world to me. And considering how exhausted and depressed I am feeling, her happiness is coming from something that I don't even have to work at. How awful am I?

I am irritated because Spencer can sleep on his stomach and I can't. I am rarely sleeping due to being so darn uncomfortable, so let's be honest... There are nights where I sit and glare at him while he is sleeping because he looks so comfortable. Once again, ridiculous. I should be grateful that at least one of us is getting sleep especially him since he is in the middle of his semester at school and can get extremely grumpy if he hasn't slept.

I'm irritated that I have to get up and dressed and go outside, when all I want to do is sleep, which isn't happening anyway, or go into a coma until the baby is born. I should be grateful that I have places to go and am needed and so I need to get ready and go out. It's a blessing to be needed.

I'm irritated that I spend hours, seriously, hours, in the doctors office twice a week. I should be thankful that I am able to have two ultrasounds a week and constantly know my baby is healthy and doing fine, and that Aniston has been relatively behaved during these long appointments instead of resenting the time it takes out of my day.

I'm irritated that every day when I come home from work I have to make dinner. Nothing tastes good anymore, no food really makes me happy that's how you know you're really depressed. I should be thankful that I have a great husband who has really stepped it up in this situation and he does his best to make sure I have what I need, even the silliest little craving. 

I am so very irritated with pregnancy and all of its symptoms. This was a great pregnancy until recently and I am just so busy and have so much to do it would be helpful if I could work and be an effective mom without feeling so sick and hurting so much. Once again, I know I should feel grateful that I am pregnant and will someday soon, hopefully, have a beautiful baby boy in addition to our family. Such a blessing.

The only thing getting me through today is knowing that this baby cannot stay in there forever. He has to eventually come out. All I really want to do is sit on the couch, in my sweats, eating puffy Cheetos and drinking cranberry spirit (have you had that? AMAZING), and watch Ellen reruns. I am really so excited to be having a baby, I promise I am, but I cannot stop feeling so hopelessly depressed and so upset. I cry A LOT. This isn't me, and I just want things to be normal. Well as normal as they can be with a brand new baby and a toddler and the holidays right around the corner.

Let me repeat, he cannot stay in there forever.

Stupid irritations... Irrational irritations.

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