Monday, April 25, 2016

DAY 1691... Love

Let's get one thing straight,
if I ever turn on the TV,
or turn on Netflix,
and see the movie The Holiday,
I will stop what I am doing and watch it.
over again.
I LOVE that movie.

I think,
more than anything,
I just love the opening scene where it talks about love.

When this movie came out,
cough 2006 cough,
I was in the same position as Kate Winslet's character,
and that really hit home with me.
I find that I can form attachments with a great many fictional character,
I wanted to stand up in the theater and shout, "That's me! That's my life! I understand everything you are saying! Let's be best friends!"
But that would've been insanely embarrassing for 20 year old me.
It would be embarrassing for 30 year old me!
But 10 year old me...
held nothing back.
When I was 10, 
I went to see Mighty Ducks 3 in the theater.
I had an insanely huge crush on Joshua Jackson,
and while he kissed this girl in the movie,
 I straight up yelled,
"Charlie you're cheating!"
Because of course,
when I was 10,
I was convinced Joshua Jackson was my eternal companion.
So instead of letting the entire theater know intimate and embarrassing details of my life,
I just watched The Holiday on repeat.
It is on my short list of movies I will never get tired of.
Other movies in this category include Fever Pitch,
Sleepless in Seattle,
Little Women,
Pee-wee's Big Adventure,
Les Miserables,
Mr. Holland's Opus,
Fiddler on the Roof,
While You Were Sleeping,
My Best Friend's Wedding,
He's Just Not That Into You,
What's Eating Gilbert Grape.
There's more I'm sure..

so many distractions today,
there are so many different types of love,
all of which I am convinced that I have experienced.
Some more than others,
but nevertheless,
I have experienced them all.

Unrequited Love

This is probably the type of love that I feel was most obvious in my life before I became a mother.
Especially the 2 years before I was married.

I had a bad habit of falling hard for someone who wasn't falling for me.
Or how wouldn't allow themselves to fall for me,
or basically was only interested in using me or keeping me on the back burner.

This is the type of love that made me want to stand up in that theater and proclaim my similarities to Kate Winslet's character.

It is a difficult and mind blowing love.
It will bring you to tears.
It will confuse you.
It will damage your emotions.
It will make you feel like an idiot.
It will break your heart.
It can destroy you.

I can look back now and see that my unrequited love
in the two years before I was married,
happened for a reason.
He was there to distract me and keep me busy until Spencer showed up.

Every day,
every night,
I would watch my phone,
waiting for a text or a phone call.
I spent hours with him.
I spent so much money on him.
I wasted a lot of tears,
and too much time simply thinking about him.

We did everything together for those two years.
Dinner 3-4 times a week.
Family events.
Some crazy insane emotional stuff.
But he always put me on the back burner.
I was never his first priority.
But he was always mine.

I am completely aware how pathetic this all sounds.
Thank goodness I'm not that person anymore.

I had finally had enough and one Monday evening and I told him we needed to talk.
I'm pretty sure he knew what I was going to say because he tried to avoid it.
But that night,
the night I was going to open myself up completely,
and probably make things incredibly awkward,
was the night I met Spencer.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason,
and that night,
 the universe straight up slapped me in the face,
and told me that my "friend" was definitely not the one for me,
directing me towards Spencer.

Unrequited love can be really hard,
and completely exhausting,
but in my case,
it was a perfect distraction to get me to my happily ever after.

Unconditional Love

I once had a college professor who began his lecture by stating that there was no such thing as unconditional love.
He said that even God's love is based off the condition that we are his children,
and therefore,
not unconditional.

He was CRAZY!
I called B.S.,
along with every other student taking that class.

My conviction that this statement is false became even more strong and sure after becoming a mom.

There is no one in the world who can make me more upset or more crazy than my kids,
but still I have never hated them.
I always love them no matter what craziness they cause.
No matter what they spill on my floor,
no matter how many times Aniston tells me that my belly,
is the biggest belly,
of all the bellies,
no matter how much sleep I lose,
no matter how much me time I lose,
I love them so much!

I definitely don't love all children.
I have worked with them,
so I know this 100%.

And I don't buy that the fact that someone being a family member automatically makes you love them.

Just believe me on that one.

Unconditional love is crazy intense,
but also crazy amazing!
Probably the most amazing love there is.

Platonic Love

This love is completely non-sexual.
It's basically how I feel towards most of my friends and food.
Taco Bell especially.

I'm not the kind of person to tell others,
that I love them.

I think it's a little weird,
it makes me feel uncomfortable,
and I feel as though it's already implied so why say it?

But let's understand one thing...
I don't love all my friends.
I have friends,
but most of my friends are more like people who float in and out of my life and only last a few years.
Those are the friends who I don't feel a great love for.
But my best friends,
the ones who have been around for 10+ years,
the ones who I know,
without a doubt,
don't judge me or doubt me,
those are the ones that I love.

I probably love food more than I love some of my "friends".

I also felt so much platonic love for my cheerleaders when I coached.
I'll be honest and say that I didn't love them all,
but most of them I did love and still do.

I am so blessed to keep in contact with so many of those amazing kids!

Self Love

To me,
self love is the most difficult love to obtain and to keep.

I have never kept it a secret how unhappy I am with myself and how much I struggle to love myself.
It has been this way as long as I can remember and I have learned to live with it.

I think that self love,
along with every other type of love,
there are different levels of love.

There have been times in my life where I have loved myself completely.
It doesn't seem to last very long,
but I have felt true and strong love for myself.

One time I love myself is the first 24 hours after having a baby.
Maybe that seems weird to some people,
but I feel such a self esteem boost after having a baby,
and I enjoy riding that high as long as possible.
But typically that only lasts 24 hours before exhaustion and emotions and overwhelming feelings take over.

Another time I can really remember loving myself,
was literally days before I met Spencer.
I was stuck in this sticky unrequited love situation,
but I had just graduated from college and I felt good.
I was happy,
I was confident,
I was striving to be the very best version of me,
and it was working.

Self love is so important.
I can tell a huge difference between the days where I love myself and the days that I don't.
And the difference just doesn't affect me.
It affects my entire life and the way I act and react and behave.
It's a HUGE game changer.

Self love is something that I am constantly striving for and wanting to gain permanently in my life.

I am aware that there are other types of love,
but these are the ones that affect me the most and are the most obvious in my every day life.


  1. I love your beautiful family picture at the end!

    1. Thank you Lisa! Spencer was talking to Jacob recently and we need to really get together sometime soon!

    2. Yes! Maybe in a couple weeks. I just had surgery, but I'll be ready to do stuff soon! I miss you!