Tuesday, November 18, 2014

DAY 1176.... The 5 Stages of Grief

I was sitting with my little family at Red Robin, trying to enjoy a yummy lunch after walking the mall in order to attempt to induce some labor, when the next thing I knew I was dripping, covered in vomit from the mouth of my extremely energetic 2 year old. Now we are talking like grown up, stinky acid smelling vomit. I sat in the booth, both hands full of purple vomit (no idea why it was purple) while my husband ran to the bathroom to get some paper towels and all I could do was laugh. It didn't bother me that other patrons were staring, it didn't bother me that Aniston was yelling, "Mom, I barfed. Mom, I barfed," over and over. I just laughed.

At work on Monday I learned that a child who attends the school I work at has Fifths Disease. Never heard of it right? Well, it's a viral disease that is dangerous to children ages 5-15 and guess who else.... Pregnant women. This same child happens to be taught at church every Sunday by who else, than my parents. So I've had double exposure. I called the doctors office and they kind of freaked out about it and I have to get blood tested. All I could do was laugh.


This is my life...

I have finally arrived at the final stage of the 5 stages of grief during my pregnancy. Am I being dramatic thinking that pregnancy is a time to grieve? Maybe, but I have definitely experienced and overcome these grief stages in the past 2 months of my pregnancy.


Denial is being told you're not in labor, but dilated to a 4, which is more dilated than you were when your water broke with your first child. How is that even possible? How can I be walking around like that? Pretty sure I have been in labor for weeks! At least that's what it feels like...


Anger is being told by the nurse at the hospital that I need to come in ASAP, and then once I'm there being told that I would not be leaving without a baby. Yeah, that was two weeks ago.... And I am still not holding a baby. Those kinds of things should never be said to a hormonal, huge pregnant woman. It's just not cool.


Bargaining for me is done in the form of prayer. I cannot even tell you how many prayers have been said using bargaining. It's a sign of total desperation people! Don't be ashamed... We've all done it at some point, and I can think of no better point in life that it's more worthy than being full term and ready for a baby to come, a baby who apparently wants nothing to do with me or the real world.


Depression is going to the doctor twice a week and every time every single nurse/receptionist and doctors mentions how surprised they are to see you. Every. Single. Time. It's the same at work. It's "you're still here?", "no baby!?!?", "I'm so shocked to see you!", and my favorite, "you just don't look very good." I know that no one is saying these things to depress me, but it's tough to hear and talk about it over and over and over. Maybe I should be super grateful that so many people care so much, but it really is depressing. Depression is also taking Ambien, thinking you will actually sleep or better yet, put you into labor like it did with your last child, and not getting a wink of sleep or real labor. That's the worst! Seriously who doesn't sleep after taking Ambien?


Acceptance is where I am at now. Acceptance that he will come when he is ready. Acceptance of knowing that you tried everything you read online and that the doctors suggested in order to induce labor and it just didn't work. Acceptance that you can't control others or what they may promise you or tell you even if they are ridiculously educated. Acceptance is knowing that he can't stay in there forever and has to come out eventually. Acceptance is laughing instead of crying when things keep going wrong. Acceptance is where I am at in my life and pregnancy.

It is what it is, and it has been quite the ride.

No comments:

Post a Comment