Sunday, April 9, 2017


Let's talk about suicide. 
Can we do that?
Is that allowed?
I don't really care if it's not allowed,
or if it's considered frowned upon because I believe that everything should be talked about,
especially when it comes to mental and emotional issues.

I recently finished watching Netflix's 13 Reasons Why,
I know you're reading this,
don't watch it,
you will hate it,
but it made me think about my past.
It made me really think about my past with suicide.

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression.
I didn't completely understand my feelings and my emotions or why I was feeling the way I was feeling.
I was confused.
It was around that time that I started thinking about suicide.
I was convinced that the world would be better without me.
I was convinced that my friends and family wouldn't care.
I was convinced that I didn't need to live anymore.
I was convinced that I didn't matter.
So I made a plan.
But I couldn't go through with it.
I started cutting.
Cutting is something that I would continue until I was 24. 
10 years of cutting.

When I was 18 I left for college.
A few weeks before I went to college I had my wisdom teeth out and was given plenty of pain medication.
I ended up with dry sockets and was given an extension on my pain medication to make sure I was going to be okay especially since I was going out of state for college.
I held on to those extra pills.
College was rough at first for me,
I made some bad decisions and hated myself for it.
So I made a plan.
But I couldn't go through with it.
I stuck my finger down my throat and threw up all those extra pills.

When I was 21 I went through a very bad break up.
I remember sobbing for days.
I was hurt and confused and thought I had nothing left to live for.
I thought I was unlovable.
Why do breakups make us feel this way?
Especially when you look back and can see 100 reasons why that person was so bad for you?
So I made a plan.
But I couldn't go through with it.
I swerved back into my lane on the dark country road in order to avoid a head on collision.

When I was 22 I was raped.
This destroyed my already low self esteem and really confused my thoughts.
It made me question everything I thought I knew and believed in.
It changed the way I viewed the world.
I felt completely alone.
I felt totally worthless.
So I made a plan.
But I was stopped by a friend who came into my room one night and took away all the razor blades I had hiding everywhere.

When I was 23 I found out the man who I thought I would marry had been cheating on me for 9 months.
I was completely devastated.
He had already asked my Dad if he could marry me.
He had already bought the ring.
He had fooled us all.
So I made a plan.
But I was stopped by a group of friends who left what they were doing, came to my house, and climbed down into my basement window when they couldn't reach me by phone to make sure that I was okay.

Days before I turned 25 I sunk into the deepest depression I had ever experienced.
I was single,
not happy,
I thought I had no future,
I was convinced I was ugly and fat,
and I was allowing myself to be used by someone I was interested in,
but who basically wanted to keep me on the back burner.
So I made a plan.
But I couldn't go through with it.
I went back to my hotel on the Vegas strip at 3 in the morning and cried myself to sleep. 

I haven't made plans since.

So why is this important?
Why does this even matter.
Well honestly,
to some people it probably doesn't.
But if there is one person reading this who feels lost and alone and scared and has a plan,
please know that it does get better.
It gets better than you ever could imagine,
but you have to push past it.
You have to push pasts the negativity and the crazy loud thoughts.
You have to be strong.
And I know that's hard,
and I know that it seems impossible,
but you can do it,
and there are people all around you who want to help you,
who will not judge you,
and who will love you unconditionally,
if you allow them to do so.

But look at the girl in those pictures.
She doesn't look sad,
she doesn't look lonely, 
she doesn't look like she had daily suicidal thoughts,
but she did.
She was struggling every single day.
She was barely keeping her head above the water.
It is just so important that we treat each other nicely,
listen to each other daily,
and comfort each other when needed.
You never know what someone is going through,
and it would be awful to not give the time or that friendship to a person who really needed it.
And really,
what good does it do for us to judge one another and treat each other so poorly?

I am honestly glad that all my plans fell through.
In fact,
I'm not just glad,
I am thankful all my plans fell through.

As a parent,
especially a parent who still struggles with irrational thoughts,
because the suicidal thoughts never really go away,
you just learn to control them and push them away,
and you learn how to recognize the good and know,
without a doubt,
that it outweighs the bad, 
I am absolutely terrified that my children have been predisposed to thinking the same way that I thought for so long.
I am terrified that they will struggle with anxiety and depression as I have.
It's the reason I tell them daily how special and important they are.
It's the reason I tell them I love them over and over again.
It's the reason I stop everything to hold them and cuddle them even though I don't like to be physical touched or hugged.
It's the reason that we talk a lot about important issues even though they are so young. 
It's the reason we talk to our children like they are adults and not children.
It's the reason we tell each other our peak and our pit at the end of every day so that I know what made them the most happy and what made them the most sad.
It's the reason I choose to be so involved in their lives.
Because as a parent,
to know that my child was thinking those thoughts,
or had made a plan to end their life,
would ruin me.
It's one major reason that I am really glad that I never followed through with my plans.
At the time I thought that me dying wouldn't mean anything to anyone.
But I was selfish,
and that was wrong,
because I know my parents would have been brokenhearted.

It's my worst fear that I will outlive my children.
But to outlive your child because they were so sad and felt like they had no one to talk to,
and no where to go and so they decide to end their life,
that would be the worst.

I struggle daily with negative thoughts,
and with thinking up reasons why if I died it wouldn't be so bad and wouldn't really matter.
But then my kids come up to me and hug me,
they tell me they love me,
they cry out for me,
they hold my hand out of the blue,
and I recognize that sometimes I am the only one who can make it all better,
and I realize that they need me.
And I realize that I need them even more.
They are my magic and my reason for life.
My children are my passion and I believe that they were sent here to rescue me.
And they have done that time and time again.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts,
or depression,
or anxiety,
there is hope.
You will have to work for it,
you will have to fight your brain and your way of thinking every stinking single day,
but there is always hope.

For me,
my hope and strength come from my children and my husband.
But strength and hope are different for everyone.
I encourage you to find your own strength and hope and hold on to it.
Work for it.
Be thankful for it every single day.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day if you feel as though there is no one else you can turn to. They can be reached at 1-800-273-8255.

Take it from someone who has made many plans to end her life,
I promise.