The title of this post is a bit dramatic.... I get that. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and exhausted right now.
Last night Spencer and I spent several hours in Labor and Delivery.
Yesterday morning I had a doctors appointment and had been having bad back contractions. The doctor told me to rest and checked me but I was only 25% effaced and not dilated. She did prescribe me an inhaler for my breathing because that had not improved much at all over the past week and told em to try to relax but that she wasn't going to put me on bed rest because I wasn't dilating. And after an exciting night of contractions last night, which slowed way down and they sent us home... always a bummer, I had another doctor's appointment this morning. In less than 24 hours I was now dilated to a 1 and 50% effaced, still having contractions. Now I am the slowest dilator ever!!! I was at a 4 with Ani for hours! So I'm not so much concerned about that, but I just have so much anxiety and stress over this.
After another 30 minutes of monitoring my contractions, with Ani sharing my bed, they sent me home with strict orders of bed rest, 2 Tylenol every 6 hours and lots of warm baths. The Tylenol and warm baths I can handle. I just set up the iPad and watch my Netflix in the tub, NBD. But bed rest with a husband who is a full time student has proven to be a bit more difficult. It's only been a few hours and Spencer has had classes all afternoon and so far Aniston has refused to nap, doesn't understand why I'm not running around or dancing with her, and has decided to scream... not cry just scream a lot. Just for the heck of it. I do have to give her a shout out because she was AMAZING at my doctor's appointment this morning! I don't know many 2 year olds that are capable of entertaining themselves and not have mom hold them and pay attention to them every second without freaking out. She was fabulous! And just because I love the fall so much...
Babies come, or try to come when they want. I understand that doctor's try to give us estimates and help the best that they can, but our bodies just do what they need to do and that doesn't always agree with science. I feel like I'm failing because of this situation. I felt the same way with Aniston and the Hyperemesis. It was really hard and now I feel like the situation is out of my control once again. I feel like a failure because I can't really play with Aniston like she wants me to and I find myself raising my voice to her when she becomes demanding of play time. I feel like a failure because it hurts to have to walk upstairs to my room to get me inhaler or Tums that I forgot up there and have to ask my husband to go get them for me. And I am very forgetful these days so this situation happens a lot. Failure. I feel like a failure when people bring dinners because it makes me feel like I am weak and needy and that I can't handle my own household. I have never been good at asking or accepting help because I know how capable I am. It's a weakness though. I need to break down and understand and realize that it's okay to ask for help.
I know I'm not failing. And I know that even if I am something fabulous is about to come into our family. I know it is a huge blessing that I can carry a baby successfully and that I can have children at all. I think I'm just tired and impatient and want life to always be organized and known, when really it's impossible to know the future and what life is going to be like tomorrow, especially when you are expecting a baby. I just need a quick attitude adjustment. But when you can't really be on full bed rest because you have a life it just doesn't seem worth it. I would rather be at work where I know things are being done the way I like, super OCD, but luckily I have a great staff who can handle things wonderfully while I'm gone. But still... you should never do anything halfway, that includes bed rest.
Here's to overcoming weaknesses, holding off until 37 weeks for baby to come (next week) and enjoying the little rest I may get. Who doesn't enjoy trashy TV, working from home and junk food on best rest eh?