Sunday, November 23, 2014

DAY 1181... Mission Call

FIn 1995, my mom gave birth to a hefty 9lbs 9oz baby boy. He was born on his grandfathers birthday (Speaking of which we are scheduled to be induced on Tuesday, yes I'm still pregnant, and Wednesday is my Dad's birthday so we could possibly be repeating that tradition 18 years later) and was given his grandfathers name. Due to his chubby stature, he was called by his middle name which was Jake. This is the same brother who when he turned 18 only wanted one thing for his birthday. He wanted to become a Lord of Scotland. So my parents bought him a square foot of land in Scotland and Jake became a Lord in Scotland. Pretty much the coolest gift ever in my opinion. So for the past 9 months he has been referred to as Lord Kenneth. He real name is Kenneth Jacob.

Anyway, Thursday night he opened his mission call....

We all thought he was lying because what are the odds?

This is seriously perfection!

I can't wait to hear all about his adventures while serving his mission!

SIDENOTE : So like I said, we have a scheduled induction on Tuesday. I am excited to finally have an end in sight, but kind of depressed because I will be missing my Dad's birthday and Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving! I'm convinced that there is no better reason to miss these events than to have a baby, but I can't help but to feel pretty blue about it. My entire family will be here and we have family pictures scheduled! I'm crossing my fingers he will come even today or tomorrow, that would be better. But I have stubborn babies and they kind of do what they want, when they want.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Dear Aniston... Part 16

Dear Aniston-

You are, hopefully, days away from becoming a big sister. This means you will no longer be my baby. You are about to have new responsibilities, grow up a little more and no longer be an only child. Have I done enough for you as an only child? Have I loved you enough? Have I taught you enough? Have I completely prepared you to successfully transition into the big sister role? These are questions I ask myself every single day. I pray that I have in no way failed you. You are incredibly smart and talented, and I have no fear that you would be able to pick up those things that I may have left out, but I just hope I have done enough.

Being the oldest child can be tough. I know because it's a role I possess as well. It's something we have in common. You get blamed for a lot. A LOT. You are definitely a guinea pig. And to your younger siblings, you will be somewhat of a role model and second parent. It can be a lot of pressure, but it can also be a huge blessing. Have fun with it. Use your talents and your skills to help, love and protect your siblings. Love them. I know that may be tough at times but they will have the potential to be your best friends... And at times, your worst enemy. But they are your family. They are your rock and the people you will laugh with and spend a lifetime making memories with.

I wish that you would always be as excited as you are right now to be a big sister, but I know that that feeling will not always last. I'm honestly hoping that you are still so excited in 2 weeks after your brother comes to be a big sister. Just remember that it's okay to get frustrated and express your feelings, but Mom and Dad will always love you no matter what. it is never our intention for you to feel hurt or ignored. This is such a wonderful opportunity for you to shine. And there is no doubt in my mind that you will excel. You have exceeded my expectations so far in the past 2 1/2 years in every way, why should this be any different?

Your Dad and I want to make sure that even after brother comes that you know how much we love you. We don't ever want you to feel left out or like we aren't here for you. Obviously some of our time will be taken up by brother, but there will always be time for you! ALWAYS! We will always be here for you to talk to, ask questions of and just to love you.

Good luck my little Ani Kate. I know that you will be great and I will be there every step of the way to help you adjust and be comfortable. I have absolutely LOVED the past almost 2 1/2 years with just you and your Dad. You are such an amazing blessing in our lives. You can always make us laugh and then within a minute you can make us more angry than we've ever been. You have blessed us with your kisses and hugs and your pure knowledge of so much information. You are such a sponge! I admire your ability to learn and your ability to see the good all the time. You have changed my life in so many ways for the better not one for the worst. We definitely weren't expecting you, but I am so glad that you came when you did.

I love you Miss Aniston. And I will always love you. I'm ready for our next adventure together. I'm sure there will be times when you carry me through the day and help me to focus on the good instead of the bad. You are so amazing and so special. I love you so much!

Love - Your Mom

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

DAY 1176.... The 5 Stages of Grief

I was sitting with my little family at Red Robin, trying to enjoy a yummy lunch after walking the mall in order to attempt to induce some labor, when the next thing I knew I was dripping, covered in vomit from the mouth of my extremely energetic 2 year old. Now we are talking like grown up, stinky acid smelling vomit. I sat in the booth, both hands full of purple vomit (no idea why it was purple) while my husband ran to the bathroom to get some paper towels and all I could do was laugh. It didn't bother me that other patrons were staring, it didn't bother me that Aniston was yelling, "Mom, I barfed. Mom, I barfed," over and over. I just laughed.

At work on Monday I learned that a child who attends the school I work at has Fifths Disease. Never heard of it right? Well, it's a viral disease that is dangerous to children ages 5-15 and guess who else.... Pregnant women. This same child happens to be taught at church every Sunday by who else, than my parents. So I've had double exposure. I called the doctors office and they kind of freaked out about it and I have to get blood tested. All I could do was laugh.


This is my life...

I have finally arrived at the final stage of the 5 stages of grief during my pregnancy. Am I being dramatic thinking that pregnancy is a time to grieve? Maybe, but I have definitely experienced and overcome these grief stages in the past 2 months of my pregnancy.


Denial is being told you're not in labor, but dilated to a 4, which is more dilated than you were when your water broke with your first child. How is that even possible? How can I be walking around like that? Pretty sure I have been in labor for weeks! At least that's what it feels like...


Anger is being told by the nurse at the hospital that I need to come in ASAP, and then once I'm there being told that I would not be leaving without a baby. Yeah, that was two weeks ago.... And I am still not holding a baby. Those kinds of things should never be said to a hormonal, huge pregnant woman. It's just not cool.


Bargaining for me is done in the form of prayer. I cannot even tell you how many prayers have been said using bargaining. It's a sign of total desperation people! Don't be ashamed... We've all done it at some point, and I can think of no better point in life that it's more worthy than being full term and ready for a baby to come, a baby who apparently wants nothing to do with me or the real world.


Depression is going to the doctor twice a week and every time every single nurse/receptionist and doctors mentions how surprised they are to see you. Every. Single. Time. It's the same at work. It's "you're still here?", "no baby!?!?", "I'm so shocked to see you!", and my favorite, "you just don't look very good." I know that no one is saying these things to depress me, but it's tough to hear and talk about it over and over and over. Maybe I should be super grateful that so many people care so much, but it really is depressing. Depression is also taking Ambien, thinking you will actually sleep or better yet, put you into labor like it did with your last child, and not getting a wink of sleep or real labor. That's the worst! Seriously who doesn't sleep after taking Ambien?


Acceptance is where I am at now. Acceptance that he will come when he is ready. Acceptance of knowing that you tried everything you read online and that the doctors suggested in order to induce labor and it just didn't work. Acceptance that you can't control others or what they may promise you or tell you even if they are ridiculously educated. Acceptance is knowing that he can't stay in there forever and has to come out eventually. Acceptance is laughing instead of crying when things keep going wrong. Acceptance is where I am at in my life and pregnancy.

It is what it is, and it has been quite the ride.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

DAY 1169.... Irrational Irritations

I have always been an emotional person. Many of my decisions in life have been emotionally driven and those around me are very aware of my crazy emotions. Pregnancy does not help this situation in any way. Pregnancy only enhances my crazy emotions. My poor husband.

Lately I have found myself so incredibly irritated over the dumbest little things, that even I get annoyed with myself! I know I'm just at the very end of pregnancy, hurting, not sleeping at all, on and off bed rest and just done with being pregnant and so that doesn't help to not being irritated. Plus I'm pretty sure I will be upset until brother comes considering that we were at the hospital last week and they told us we weren't leaving without a baby, and here it is a week later and we are still without a baby. Seriously, who tells an extremely pregnant and emotional lady that and doesn't fulfill their end of the deal. Not cool. I think I'm pretty justified in that irritation.

I am irritated because it snowed today. Ridiculous.I know. Especially when it makes my two year old so excited that all she has done for the first few hours of being awake is look out the window and ask for a hat because it's cold outside. As annoying as snow is, when it makes my child that happy, I shouldn't be too irritated because her happiness means the world to me. And considering how exhausted and depressed I am feeling, her happiness is coming from something that I don't even have to work at. How awful am I?

I am irritated because Spencer can sleep on his stomach and I can't. I am rarely sleeping due to being so darn uncomfortable, so let's be honest... There are nights where I sit and glare at him while he is sleeping because he looks so comfortable. Once again, ridiculous. I should be grateful that at least one of us is getting sleep especially him since he is in the middle of his semester at school and can get extremely grumpy if he hasn't slept.

I'm irritated that I have to get up and dressed and go outside, when all I want to do is sleep, which isn't happening anyway, or go into a coma until the baby is born. I should be grateful that I have places to go and am needed and so I need to get ready and go out. It's a blessing to be needed.

I'm irritated that I spend hours, seriously, hours, in the doctors office twice a week. I should be thankful that I am able to have two ultrasounds a week and constantly know my baby is healthy and doing fine, and that Aniston has been relatively behaved during these long appointments instead of resenting the time it takes out of my day.

I'm irritated that every day when I come home from work I have to make dinner. Nothing tastes good anymore, no food really makes me happy that's how you know you're really depressed. I should be thankful that I have a great husband who has really stepped it up in this situation and he does his best to make sure I have what I need, even the silliest little craving. 

I am so very irritated with pregnancy and all of its symptoms. This was a great pregnancy until recently and I am just so busy and have so much to do it would be helpful if I could work and be an effective mom without feeling so sick and hurting so much. Once again, I know I should feel grateful that I am pregnant and will someday soon, hopefully, have a beautiful baby boy in addition to our family. Such a blessing.

The only thing getting me through today is knowing that this baby cannot stay in there forever. He has to eventually come out. All I really want to do is sit on the couch, in my sweats, eating puffy Cheetos and drinking cranberry spirit (have you had that? AMAZING), and watch Ellen reruns. I am really so excited to be having a baby, I promise I am, but I cannot stop feeling so hopelessly depressed and so upset. I cry A LOT. This isn't me, and I just want things to be normal. Well as normal as they can be with a brand new baby and a toddler and the holidays right around the corner.

Let me repeat, he cannot stay in there forever.

Stupid irritations... Irrational irritations.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

DAY 1167... Dear Brother

Dear Brother,

Hi. This is your mom. I'm anxiously awaiting you're arrival and I just wanted to let you know a few things in case you're feeling a little hesitant. I want you to know that we are ready for you and that you are desperately wanted and already so loved.

This is your big sister Aniston.

She asks everyday to hug and hold and kiss you everyday. She can't wait to share her toys with you, sing you songs, read you books and change your diaper. She can't wait to love on you. Everyday she wonders when you will come to join our family. Can I tell you a secret? She is going to be the BEST big sister in the world! She is so caring and passionate. She is anxious to teach and to love, and I don't think there is anything more you can ask for.

This is your Daddy.

I don't have any pictures of just him because he loves Aniston so much that he rarely takes a picture without her. He already loves you so much. He is so excited to teach you how to be a man. He can't wait to teach you about disc golf, share his action figures with you, and play sports with you. He has even called dibs on dressing you! He is a great daddy. He will love you, teach you, help you in any way that you need, and he is also an excellent diaper changer. He loves your sister so much, but there's something different about having a son I imagine, and he cannot wait to hold you and love you.

This is you.

You are already stubborn like your daddy, smart like your sister, and somewhat of a trouble maker like your mommy. You have no idea how many people already love you and are waiting to meet you.

As your Mom I want you to know that I already love you with my entire heart. I have worked very hard so far to take care of you and to make sure that I am doing everything possible to make sure that you are as healthy and perfect as you can possibly be. I can't wait to hold you and to sing to you and to have you in my life as a person outside of the womb. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Trust me, I gave up my carbs for you and I don't do that for just anyone.

Your family is completely ready for you. We have a cozy bassinet right next to our bed, waiting for your little body to sleep in. When you get bigger there is a bigger crib set up in Aniston's room for you to have. Ani, is SUPER excited to share a room with you for a little while. She gave you her boppy and her bumbo. Both are green and will be perfect for you. We have an awesome car seat for you with a warm car set canopy that will keep you so warm during the cold winter months in Rexburg. Mom has also bought you some incredibly cute clothing, so you're gonna be adorable.

I can understand hesitation. New things are always scary, but they are also very exciting. Being born is without a doubt one, if not the biggest day of your life, and it can be scary and terrifying, but I promise that your Daddy and I will do everything possible to protect you, teach you, feed you, clothe you and help you become the person that you someday hope to become. It's okay to be scared and it's okay to wonder about the future, but I promise we are going to make your life the best we possibly can. We are not perfect people, but we will give you everything we have 100%. And we can always promise that we will love you no matter what and support you.

We are ready for you just so you know.

We love you!

Love, Your Mom