Seriously though. What was I thinking?
Yesterday was one of those days where I asked myself that very same question, several times, over and over again, mostly regarding having 2 kids.
You all know how OBSESSED I am with my children. They are absolutely beautiful, talented, smart and just amazing. I love them more than anything! But man can they be a handful... and then some. I'm sure you Mom's out there know and understand the feeling completely.
Just imagine, you have been working all morning, finish work, get two kids dressed and ready for a doctor's appointment, then you get yourself ready, you take both kids to the appointment because your husband is busy working as well, you get everyone into the car, you get everyone out of the car and into the office and you sit down thinking everything is just perfect and that you've got this. Two kids, no sweat. But then you are reminded that nothing is ever perfect... Your 4 month old is completely happy and smiley and utterly adorable, but only when he is being held. The car seat will simply not do. Then your beautiful almost 3 year old decides that this is the perfect opportunity to throw herself on the ground and scream her lungs out because you didn't bring paint, so she can't paint. Totally inconsolable.
That is the moment when I began asking myself what was I thinking? How did I even think that I could handle having children, let alone 2? What was I thinking deciding to take both kids to an appointment that was only for 1 of them? Why didn't I leave Aniston at home with Dad? And of course, what was I thinking not bringing paint?
Motherhood is challenging. It is not easy. Of course it's easy to love something so beautiful and something that you created... when they're sleeping. Ha! But it's not easy to love your child all the time. Like when your child decides to throw rice all over the kitchen and dining room, including onto your shag rug carpet that happens to big the biggest pain in the world to clean. It's not easy to love a child who takes 500 pony beads out of their container and decides to "share" them with all of their stuff animals who are spread all over their toy room. It's not easy to love a child who wants to be awake at 3 in the morning after a long hard day. It's not easy to love a child who smears poop all over their bedding, then doesn't tell you and sleeps in it. It's not easy to love a child who has a break down in the doctor's office because they absolutely need to paint.
But you know what is easy? Taking a single second, even in the most annoying times, and looking into their eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of love. When I look into my children's eyes, even when I am the most angry, I feel love. When I'm holding Benson at 3 in the morning and he simply won't sleep, if I take a moment to look at him and allow myself to feel that love, it is amazing! When Aniston is screaming for paint on the floor and I put down Benson, praying that he would just be okay for a minute, and he is, and I can pick Aniston up, place her on my lap and just look into her eyes, I feel love. I know love.
And at that moment, I ask myself, "What was I thinking?" What was I thinking being so upset? What was I thinking allowing myself to question my ability to be a Mom? What was I thinking questioning having children.
My children have blessed my life immensely. They are so full of love. They love you regardless. Regardless of weight, money, looks, makeup, etc. They are such amazing little people!
Motherhood may be the most challenging thing I have ever experienced, but I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. The moments where things are so good, so close to perfect are a thousand times better than the moments that suck.