Friday, August 8, 2014

DAY 1077... 24 Weeks!!!

I have several major fears in life. Snakes, white noise and breast feeding. Don't judge me on that last one okay. I had an absolute terrible time breast feeding Aniston and I seriously hurt when I even think about it. I am going to try really hard with this new little one to be able to breast feed, but... oh gosh... my anxiety and the pain I'm feeling right now is at an all time high just thinking about that process again. But I think that my biggest fear in life is losing a child. A child is a child even if it has not been born yet. To lose an unborn baby would be insanely devastating to me. Having struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, I'm just not sure I could handle that very well. I truly believe that our Heavenly Father only gives that sort of trial to the most strong and the most amazing of people. I am not one of the strong or amazing. I have many friends who are considered among the strong and it breaks my heart to see the struggles they have gone through, but I consider myself lucky to be in the company of these amazing people. About a month ago we had a little scare with Aniston.

It wasn't super super serious, but it scared me and made me realize how no matter how hard we work to help our children thrive and be healthy, but sometimes, no matter how good you do that, it isn't enough. Your child can still get sick and accidents can still happen. At Aniston's 2 year appointment everything went great! I literally posted this on instagram and then....

we got a phone call an hour later to find out that her lead test came back positive for lead in her blood. I totally thought that this was something that really only happened in like the 50's or 70's. I had never even considered this a threat or harmful to my child in any way.The doctor told me that I needed to immediately take her to the hospital for further testing. I cannot even describe the pain my heart felt and the helplessness that overcame me, just even considering that there was a problem with my little girl. I felt bad because I knew the stress and anxiety that I was having wasn't good for the baby or Aniston either. It just wasn't a very fun couple of days. The hospital doesn't bring back very good memories, especially in the lab area because that is where Aniston got her nasty scar from only days after she was born during jaundice testing. The only thing I could do was to try to put my emotions and concerns aside and just be with Ani. Just enjoy her and her amazing little spirit.

 Look at that smile. She was so excited to have a cool new bracelet, which she is still upset about because the lab tech took it off and didn't give it back. She still talks about it all the time. She really was AMAZING during the testing. They had to legit take blood from her arm and this precious child of mine didn't even make a peep or cry. She is so curious and loves to learn and watch and she just watched them stick that big needle in her arm and watched her blood come out and didn't say a word. I'm not sure even I would have that much composure during blood work! She even looked at me when they were finished and said, "I'm all better now Mama." I was a little more emotional at that point of the day than I probably should have been. Her bravery and strength is so inspiring! She even got a free treat for being so brave! Anyway her tests came back negative, thank goodness and thank you to those who we shared this time with and who prayed for our Ani Kate, but it was just scary to think that something that you never considered to be a threat could harm your child.

But this post isn't about Ani... sorry baby. Today we have hit the 24 week mark in this pregnancy!

This is my absolute favorite week in pregnancy because it means that if something were to happen, the baby is now viable and could actually survive. That relieves my over active imagination of so much worry. I know that this doesn't mean that things are perfect or that if something were to happen that the baby would survive, but the chances have dramatically increased and I am okay with that.

Things have obviously been much much better this time around. I don't have IV's or PICC lines hanging out of my arm and I'm not on bed rest, thank goodness! The biggest complaint I have is the heartburn. I finally broke down and got some medication and that has been a life savor! I tell you what though....

Aniston is still ridiculously excited to be a big sister. She listens to brothers heartbeat every single day and informs me that "he's healthy". If she accidentally kicks or hits my belly she immediately apologizes to brother and gives him a hug and a kiss. And when it comes to what we are going to do when baby brother cries...

She is going to be such a great big sister. She asks daily when she can hold him. I'm beginning to think she is more impatient than I am to have the baby here! I cannot wait to see the two of them together!

I am thankful that I am able to enjoy pregnancy more this time around and that I have such an excited healthy little girl who cannot wait to be a big sister! Only 16 more weeks until our lives change yet again and I cannot wait!

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