Sunday, March 2, 2014

DAY 920... Emotionally Exhausted

Last time I posted about dealing with depression and anxiety it got out of control. To the point where I quit doing something that I was so in love with because people are mean and judgmental and do not understand that it's okay to struggle and it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to not be perfect. To those people... shame on you. I don't even know how to nicely say how I feel about people like that. My parents read this blog... I don't want to damper their opinion of me. I was validated in my feelings by this talk given by Elder Holland literally a week after everything changed. Perfection. Read it, love it!

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with severe depression. So for half of my life I have dealt with medications, which I currently do not take, so many different therapists, and just the every day battle or staying positive and happy and to remember my blessings as opposed to my trials. It's hard. Some days are better than others of course. Since I have been blessed with Aniston, I think I have been able to see more positives definitely. She is such a bright light in my life. She is my miracle and my biggest blessing. That's not to say that she is not emotionally draining at times, because she definitely is, but she's the only person in my life who I feel takes the time to get me. She will just me and kiss me and tell me "I love you" at the times that I need it most, but when I don't tell her I need it. With that being said, there aren't many people who understand the true impacts of depression and anxiety. I think that everyone experiences these emotions at times in their lives, but there are some of us who have been blessed with this trial in an more extreme manner to help us develop and become the people who we should become. Everyone has trials and in life we get to figure out how to deal with them and make life work even with their presence. I'm not sure that in the past 14 years I have successfully discovered a way to deal with it, I think that I still ignore it most days, which is not good. I have explored many different ways of dealing with my emotional struggles, but nothing seems to be permanently working.

I feel guilty because I think that part of the problem is that the people who are closest to me don't understand it, so they don't know how to deal with it, and they follow my example of ignoring it and that in turn hurts me. I guess I feel alone in my struggles, even though I know I'm not. But those closest to me feel as though they can just change me and my emotions. But that's not how it works. I cannot just change like that. I would love to, but if a crazy change like that actually occurred, you can bet that I would be just ignoring it. So it makes me wonder if these people don't care enough to put the energy into helping to understand me, or if they just don't care. But I may be to blame for how they react to my emotions. Sometimes I assume that they know what I need and what I want because I told them once upon a time... but I know that people don't always remember things. I just assume that they would remember something if it was important which obviously it isn't. I also despise asking for help. I hate delegating because I feel as though things will not get done correctly if I don't do them myself, so I'm willing to take on more if it means it gets done correctly. Maybe this is also an indication that I haven't put in much effort to make really true friends. I know that living in Rexburg is temporary so part of me thinks what's the point. Plus I'm not sure that between work and school and being a mom and a wife that I will have the necessary time to dedicate to friendship.

I'm just at the end of my rope. I don't know how to do everything I am suppose to do and please everyone. I am exhausted in every way a person can be exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It's a huge bummer. I definitely don't feel like myself. I'm not acting like myself. I just feel a little lost.

Now don't get me wrong here... I'm not trying to through myself a pity party or to draw negative attention to myself. I just want people to know that it's okay to be yourself and not hide how you are feeling. We are told over and over to be ourselves and that it's okay to be honest but then when we are honest we lose friends, relationships end, we end up being forced to give things up and it's just not worth it to be honest anymore. It's okay to be honest. And hopefully someday we will be able to be accepted for our trials and our flaws like we are constantly told we will be. Until then I will continue to look to my daughter for love and sunshine.

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