DAY 1438... Being Honest With Myself

On one of my nightly tub escapes (I'm not the only mom who escapes to take a bath right), I found myself watching a new popular reality show (10 points if you know which one I was watching). It began with this quote:

It really got me thinking.

I know, without a doubt, that I am not and have never been honest with myself.

It's a HUGE character flaw for sure.

I. Hate. It.

In my opinion, there are several ways in which you can be honest with yourself. You can be honest with yourself when it comes to family, friends, religion and yourself.

-FAMILY-

I absolutely LOVE being a mom. But it is straight up, the most exhausting thing I have ever done in my life. It seems like everyday I wake up, and I fight waking up because I never really wake up because I've been awake all night, and wonder how I am even able to function.

If I am being completely honest with myself, I'm probably not the best mom. I try, but I fail. I am not as patient as I should be. I raise my voice a little too often. I probably turn Disney movies on too much to entertain my children so that I can actually clean my house or just have a minute of peace. If I am being honest, I feel guilty about that. I never want my children to think that I don't love them, or that I didn't do enough for them. That's one of my biggest fears.

If I am being honest with myself I feel completely inadequate as far as being a good mom goes. I feel constant pressure to have my kids dressed and put together from head to toe at all times. I enjoy getting them ready and dressed, but I feel like if even one hair is out of place I will be labelled as a bad Mom. I will be labelled but strangers, friends, family, anyone who sees my children will think that I don't love them enough to get them dressed and ready for the day. I feel pressure to always have a clean house. It doesn't matter what time or day or what my kids are playing with, it needs to be clean.

If I am being honest with myself, I probably need to try harder in my marriage. Because I feel so tried all the time, not a legit excuse I know, I tend to get short tempered and mean sometimes. I'm like a baby. If I am sassy or mean, give me food or let me take a nap and all will be well. But there isn't time for a nap and I definitely can't eat what I want to eat if I want to change the way I look. If I am being honest with myself, I know that I feel resentment towards my husband sometimes because I feel like I'm left alone a lot, and that I'm expected to keep the house clean and make dinner and do laundry and all of those things that just are not fun to do. Sometimes I need a break too.

If I am being honest with myself, I know that my relationship with a certain sibling blows. We just do not get along. Maybe this sibling wants to get along with me, but the things that are happening in this siblings home destroys me. It keeps me awake at night just thinking about the circumstances and choices that they have made. I can't handle it. I honestly don't want to. I have tried so hard to be patient and loving but I emotionally cannot be that anymore. I feel taken advantage of and used and judged because I do not offer tolerance. But if I am honest with myself, I do want this sibling to succeed and thrive and to do well. I just simply cannot deal with that sibling anymore. Grow up, take care of your life and stop making excuses.

-FRIENDS-

I can honestly count the number of people I consider to be friends on one hand. I generally don't like people. It's the honest truth. I cannot handle the falseness, the pettiness and the lies that are constantly told. Especially in Rexburg, ID. I am just intolerant and, after years of allowing myself to be treated poorly by "friends", I just don't do it anymore. It's a waste of my time.

If I am being honest, I would like to have more friends, who appreciate me and who genuinely want to spend time with me, but the process of finding those people is overwhelming and really tough. I honestly do not feel as though I have the energy or the time to do so. My family comes first, and if you make me choose between my children and you, I will pick my kids. Every. Single. Time.

If I am being honest, I feel as though making friends in Rexburg is kind of a waste of time. Everyone who is here feels and thinks as though they are here temporarily and they do not put the effort into their friendships that people who are settled do. The worst part is that they think it's okay.

If I am being honest, I would rather not have any friends at all than fake friends. I don't do fake.

-RELIGION-

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know it and believe it and have practiced it. But if I am being honest with myself, I am not a very good member of the Church. I don't study the scriptures as I should. I don't pray as often as I should. I don't go to Church every single Sunday. I absolutely HATE Relief Society with a passion. I have never liked it and although I have tried numerous ways to fix this issue, nothing has worked.

If I am being honest with myself, church is the place where I feel the most judged. If I am not dressed perfectly with hair done and a full face of makeup (PS - I only wear mascara and occasionally I use eye shadow and eye liner but I have never learned or care to learn how to do makeup. I don't want to wear it) if my children are not perfectly groomed and well behaved people judge you. They watch you, they glare at you when your 8 month old throws his binky into their pew, and heaven help you if your baby cries because ain't no one got time or patience to hear your baby cry. I feel judged when Aniston is having a hard day and I put on her headphones and let her watch something on the iPad in order to keep her quiet and calm. It works.

I believe the Church is true and perfect, but I know without a doubt that the members are not. I need to get over that or maybe just get out of Rexburg. If I am being honest I feel as though going to Church and being LDS outside of Idaho and Utah is so much better of an experience. If I am being honest, I am counting down the days until we can get out of Idaho and Utah.

-MYSELF-

This is where it gets deep. If I am being honest with myself, I hate myself. I hate absolutely everything about myself. I hate that I am x amount of pounds overweight. I hate that even if I don't drink soda for 7 months and eat clean and exercise, nothing happens. I hate the way I look, the thoughts that I have, the memories I have and just anything and everything.

If I am being honest with myself, my hate for myself is the reason I don't like leaving the house. It's the reason I don't want friends and it's the reason that I don't show excitement or emotions besides crying often, because I know that it's temporary and that it will go downhill somehow.

If I am being honest with myself I miss coaching more and more everyday. My heart hurts and yearns for it. It was such a big part of my life for so many years, and it was something I thought that I was good at, but I don't have it and haven't had it for 2 years now and it still hurts really really bad. I cherish the friendships that I have made through coaching, but it's really hard to be reminded of how happy I was doing that and how I feel now. I know that it was my choice to quit and it was the right thing at the time, but it doesn't make it any easier.

If I am being honest with myself I feel like I fail at absolutely everything. I feel as though as hard as I try that I can't do anything right. There's always something, even the smallest something, that I have done wrong or just isn't good enough. 

If I am being honest with myself I am emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and insanely exhausted!

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I could honestly go on and on, but the fact remains that honestly, I absolutely hate myself in every single way possible.

By becoming honest with myself and by understanding and knowing that these are my feelings, I am ready for a change. I am ready to change the world. I am ready to make a difference. I don't know how or where to start. I know that some of my feelings stem from Postpartum Depression, and I know that since I was 14 that I have been on every single type of medication available. I have been to multiple counselors and have tried so many other outlets in order to rid myself of these feelings and thoughts. 

But they remain.

Every day I am reminded how I am not good enough and I hate that. I honestly hate that.

I am ready to be honest with myself and ready to make changes and be the person who I have always wanted to be.

Monday Munchies... Chicken Gnocchi Soup

Who doesn't love the Olive Garden? I am a HUGE fan, and in addition to their fabulous pastas and insanely delicious bread sticks, I recently became a lover of their chicken gnocchi soup. I knew that since we don't eat at the Olive Garden often (Ani may or may not have smashed and broken multiple glass plates out of anger there), I needed to learn how to make it ASAP.

Since our summer here in Idaho has turned into a gloomy and rainy one, this was the perfect dinner for a chilly summer night.

I will warn you. This recipe is not as easy and is way more attention needy and time consuming than most of my other recipes. But it is soooooooooooo worth it!

SHOPPING LIST
3 tbsp Butter
2 tbsp Olive Oil
1 cup White Onion, diced
1 cup Carrots, diced
1 cup Celery, diced
1 tbsp Garlic, minced
Salt
Pepper
1/3 cup Flour
4 cups Chicken Broth
1 1/2 cup Half & Half
3 Chicken Breasts, cooked and shredded
1 package of Potato Gnocchi (this can be found in the pasta isle)
3 cups Fresh Spinach

1. In a large soup pot, combined butter and olive oil.

2. Once butter is melted add onion, carrots and celery and top with desired amount of salt and pepper.

3. Cook on medium heat for 10 minutes, stirring often.

4. Add flour, stir frequently and cook for 3 minutes.

5. Next add chicken broth and half & half.

6. Stir together well.

7. Add chicken.

8. Bring to a simmer and cook for 20 minutes.

9. Cook gnocchi according to directions on the package.

10. Add gnocchi to soup. Stir.

11. Add Spinach to soup.

12. Cook and stir until spinach is wilted.

ENJOY!

This is a soup that even my 3 year old loves! It's so perfect for a cold night and the leftovers are also delicious! That says a lot because I really don't like left overs.

Family Fun Friday... Teton Vu Drive-In

Who doesn't like the drive-in?!?!

Okay, I'll be honest. When I was around 5 years old, my Mom and my Aunt took us to the drive-in. We were so excited! It was our first time and the whole concept of an outside movie was amazing! We were there to watch 101 Dalmatians, but it was one of the drive-in's that had multiple screens and showed multiple movies at the same time. Well, we had one of those sweet Subaru's that had rear facing seats in the very back. I was a genius and sat there and instead of watching the magical movie of 101 prancing puppies I watched a Chucky movie. It was one of the most terrifying and horrifying experiences of my life and it didn't even have sound! I watched Chucky, with the background sound of 101 Dalmatians. The picture alone was enough to give me nightmares for years! I'm sure that it has had some kind of lasting effect on my life. Maybe it's why I don't really love dogs? Although, I did marry a ginger... Whatever though, it was awful!

Since then however, all of my drive-in experiences have been a thousand times better! Except for last summer, when I was super pregnant in a tiny car. Who thought that was a good idea?

It does freak me out when someone walks right next to your car during the movie. I always keep the doors locked, but I think that comes from having watched too many scary movies in my lifetime.

Rexburg doesn't have much... We don't even have a Super Walmart (one is being built), but we do have a drive-in! Aniston calls it the outside movie and always asks if we are seeing the Minon movie because that was the first movie we saw at the drive in that she remembers.

I love having a van for this kind of thing! It was perfect! We have stow and go seats, so we laid down the middle chairs and made a bed for Ani. Benson loved it too. (Spencer is obsessed with his lion blanket. It's kind of like those blankets you find a Tijuana.)

We usually get to the drive-in about an hour early. Mainly because we live in a college town and it's always packed! So we have a lot of time to kill... Ani will usually play in the rocks. She loves rocks.

Throw a football around with Dad.

This particular night, she would squat down and then pop up and stand like this with her hands on the back window when someone would walk by. Okay.... So she's going to be that kind of child. Haha.

Benson did his best to look bored during the wait.

It's always fun when complete strangers come by and ask to hold your baby because he is just so darn cute. They were super nice people!

Daddy spent his time snuggled Benny Boo. Love these two!

And Mama got her popcorn. I LOVE this popcorn!!!

Overall, it was a BLAST! I love that they have a double feature, even though I usually fall asleep during the second movie, but I love having options! Definitely a good family time! (Ani had to make sure to show you all that she had DOTS for her movie candy).

Sorry about the crappy iPhone pictures again.

Monday Munchies... Chicken Taquitos

I LOVE Mexican food, and that's definitely an understatement.

And since I love the crock pot, Mexican Food + Crock pot = one happy me!

This recipe doesn't always look the best while it's cooking, but it is HEAVEN in your mouth!!!

SHOPPING LIST
4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
1 tsp. Chili Powder
1 tsp. Garlic Powder
1 tsp. Cumin
Salt
Pepper
1 Package of Cream Cheese
1/3 Cup of Water
Shredded Cheese
6 Flour Tortillas
1/2 Cup of Chopped Cilantro
2 Chopped Tomatoes
1/2 Chopped White Onion

1. Combine Chicken Breasts, chili powder, garlic powder cumin, salt and pepper to taste, softened cream cheese and water (I know... kind of weird), in crock pot and cook on low for 8 hours.

2. 20 minutes before the food is ready, open crock pot and shred chicken. Stir well and allow to finish cooking.

3. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

4. Place 1/2 cup of mixture in the middle of each tortillas. These are my favorite!

5. Top mixture with cheese and roll tightly.

6. Bake for 10 minutes.

7. Serve with topping mixture of cilantro, tomatoes and white onion or really whatever you want!

ENJOY!

I absolutely love eating these with a large salad topped with the remainder of the topping mixture. HEAVEN in my mouth! Seriously delicious!