Friday, January 9, 2015

DAY 1228... Beniston

Yes... I gave my children a celebrity couple name and I love it.

I am currently on my 4th day of being a stay at home mom and I am absolutely exhausted! I am also a little too emotional. Seriously, I am crying at the drop of a hat. TV is the worst. I watched the People's Choice Awards and cried like a baby. I watched Parenthood and cried like a baby (not sure that counts because I'm pretty sure everyone who watches this show cries no matter what, especially this season) I look at my kids and I cry. I'm not sure if I'm crying because I am so completely exhausted due to the fact that I haven't really gotten much rest this week or because I am just an emotional person, but it's a little bit out of control.

Besides the crying, I have been blessed to learn so much more about my children in these past few days. First of all, I am so happy that Aniston still loves Benson as much as she did when he was in my belly. She obsesses over him. Anytime he cries or fusses she wants to take care of him, she is constantly worried that he needs her. I love the love that she has for him!

I have learned that Aniston has unfortunately inherited my OCD tendencies.
I have learned that she is also capable of much more than I even knew she was capable of. She is so smart it's insane! She has had a ton of firsts this week with me being at home and focusing more on her. She ate ketchup for the first time (I don't like the smell or taste of it so I had never giving it to her before, plus washing dishes with leftover ketchup on them are the WORST) and now she is officially obsessed! She wants either ketchup or ranch on everything. I usually lean towards the ranch. We straightened her hair for the first time also. She wants to do everything that I do lately no matter what it is. I was doing the P90x Kenpo workout, so Aniston did the P90x Kenpo workout. Mom was eating eggs, so Aniston needed to eat eggs. Mom straightened her hair so Aniston needed to straighten her hair. I cannot believe how long her hair is! Plus I'm crazy jealous because she has this awesome natural ombre.
She just looked so grown up and it really made me realize how fast life happens and how quickly these little people grow up. That experience really made me feel insanely grateful for the opportunity that I have to stay at home with my kids, because someday, and someday soon, Aniston will be straightening her own hair and making her own eggs and she won't need me as much as she needs me right now. I'm thankful that I can be here with her and help her right now.

I have learned that Benson is very different from Aniston. Aniston never liked to be cuddled as a baby and this little man wants to be held constantly. Thank goodness for my wrap because if I didn't have that I would never get anything done! Aniston loved to be swaddled all the time, but at 4am every morning Benson starts grunting and fighting to have his arms free. It's also around this time that he decides that the only way he will sleep if if I lay on my back and lay him on my right side in the crook of my arm. Of course this means I don't sleep because I am not comfortable sleeping in the same bed as my infant. I have learned that Benson has inherited my grumpy sassiness that accompanies hunger. This boy can go from completely content and happy to screaming like nothing I have ever heard in the snap of a finger because he decides that he is hungry. But even if he is starving (which he never is he just thinks that he is) he will instantly calm down and almost always fall asleep if I pick him up and hold him on my chest with his head on my shoulder.
I have learned that he really needs me. He needs me more than he needs anyone else. I was worried that staying at home would make me feel useless and unneeded and unappreciated. But I am finding so much worth in myself even after just 4 days. I am finding that I am desperately needed and wanted by the people that I love the most. I am finding that even the thought of someone else watching them breaks my heart because I want to be with them all the time. Aniston says thank you for every single thing I do and constantly tells me she loves me. Although I miss and love the kids that I worked with, I would rather be at home raising my own kids instead of raising other peoples children.

I'm not going to lie. I have lost my temper more than I can count in the past 4 days. I have escaped from the neediness and cries in the bathroom for several minutes. I have even questioned my decision a time or two. But I know, without a doubt, that this is what I am suppose to be doing right now. It's the hardest job I have ever had, but I know that it will be the most rewarding. My appreciation and love for my own mom, who was a stay at home mom, has grown immensely. I never understood how hard she actually worked, and I am so ashamed to say that I really thought staying at home was easy. But it's not. I look at my friends who have been doing it for years and I just think that they are so amazing! I am thankful that I have so many women in my life that I can look to for strength and that have offered me help or just an ear to vent to. That means so much to me, especially since we seem to live in a world where friends are based on convenience.

It's been a very challenging week. But I know that being a mom is much like anything else in that it takes time to adjust and to learn the job duties. It will take time for me to be completely comfortable in this job, and I'm okay with that. I'm especially okay with that because meanwhile I get to spend everyday all day with two of the most beautiful and perfect little people ever who I have been blessed to be a mommy to. I'm so thankful for the opportunity that I have to be immersed in motherhood right now and to not miss a minute of my children growing up. It is a serious blessing that not every mother has, and I just feel to thankful that I am able to have this blessing.


  1. Oh my goodness you're kids are adorable!! How much age difference is there?
    Hope you're new journey continues to bring smiles and laughs...and much needed escapes to the bathroom!

  2. Thank you! They are 28 months apart. Just enough so that my daughter can actually help and understand the concept of a sibling. Super fun!