DAY 1260... What We Aren't Talking About

I am beyond obsessed with my beautiful children!

It has been a HUGE blessing to be able to stay at home all day with both of them and to busy myself with motherhood completely. I have learned so much in the past month and I know without a doubt that that is a blessing. I knew that I was having some rough days, but I didn't really contribute it to anything except the transition from working mom to full time stay at home mom. Seriously, being a stay at home mom is really hard. Then one evening, my husband asked me if I was okay. I just knd of stared at him. I didn't know what to say. But it was in that moment that I realized that I was am, really struggling with Postpartum Depression.

I have a very long history of depression and anxiety. I am very familiar with those feelings and emotions and how I deal with them, but for some reason, I didn't understand, or I didn't realize what I was feeling right now. I don't know if it was because I am so busy cleaning, doing laundry and consoling crying children that I didn't realize what I was feeling, or if I really did just assume that it was part of the big change. I am shocked that I didn't recognize these feelings.

Postpartum Depression is different than what I know as depression. I have never once wanted to hurt my children and I can realize that they aren't the ones making me feel sad. In fact, they make me smile even at my lowest low. Postpartum depression to me has really torn me down. It has made me feel worthless, tired and sad. I feel as though no matter how clean the house is or how happy the children are, it is just not enough. I always feel as though I need to do more. I have extreme anxiety that has hindered me in doing a lot of things that I would have loved to do. But the pounding heart and the racing thoughts have really prevented me from living my life the way I want to live it. Postpartum Depression makes me hard on myself. Really hard on myself. I have really struggled losing weight since Benson was born and it has taken such a toll on me that I just don't go out sometimes. I would rather stay at home in my sweats hiding because I don't think that I could handle the judgement of how I look. I even found it a blessing that my children both got colds so that we were forced to hide out at home for the past several weeks. But then I get sad because I am at home and go days without an adult conversation, except with my husband, because I haven't really made friends here. I'm picky about friends, and so maybe it's my fault, but I can't help but to wonder, what's so wrong with me that I don't have friends?

I feel surrounded by perfect mom's who are fitting back into their size 2 jeans a week after having a baby. Their hair is gorgeous, their makeup is glamorous and their baby is dressed in the latest and greatest fashions. I feel like a whale, with boring hair and like a mess. I honestly have never felt more unattractive in my life. These mom's post professional pictures of their children daily or have them as brand reps for one of the thousands of Etsy stores, so they are always dressed perfectly. Although I know without a doubt that my children are amazing and beautiful, I felt like I wasn't being a good mom because I didn't have the connections that these other moms did and couldn't give my children those opportunities. We live on a budget. That's just our life right now, so I don't spend hundreds of dollars on my children's clothes. Kids grow way to fast to spend a lot of their clothes. I was sad because people I know post about how their friends came over and brought treats or dinners or just came over to talk without expectation and just out of the blue because they really cared about their friends, and I don't have that. Honestly, when I had Benson, our Relief Society at church didn't even bring dinners (which is the norm not an unrealistic expectation) or acknowledge that I even had a baby. Why? Why does it seem as though people just don't care about me? I try really hard to go out of my way for others, so why wasn't I having those actions returned?

I feel so alone and misunderstood and not cared about at all.

How ridiculous is that? Why am I getting so upset about other people's blessings? That's messed up. That's not okay. I know that I have a life that somewhere out there someone would die for. I know that and I realize that, but Postpartum Depression really brings out the worst side of me in every possible way. I hate that. I absolutely hate it.

So what am I doing about it? How am I dealing with Postpartum Depression? I'm pushing myself to focus on my blessings in my life. I am keeping a journal at night in which I write about the things I was most thankful for during the day. I have been actively exercising, which isn't easy with two little crazies running and rolling around, but it does make me feel better. I have been trying to limit my time on social media. I have been trying to appreciate others and to compliment others and to build others up around me. I have been turning the TV off more and playing with Aniston as much as possible. I have been focusing on the little accomplishments that I have daily instead of measuring myself against other moms.

Depression is a tough thing to deal with. I should know. It has been a part of my life for 15 years. That's more than half my life. It's hard, it's degrading, it's tormenting, it's awful and it breaks my heart daily. But no matter how many PD tears I cry, if this is one of my toughest trials in life, I will take it over so many other trials I could have been dealt. I know that someday I will look back and realize a lesson I have learned from this trial, or maybe I will be able to someday help someone else who is struggling with Postpartum Depression. I know that I really need to focus on myself and my family as much as possible, but then I feel selfish and that brings me down all over again. Postpartum Depression really is evident in every aspect of my life, and effects more than I would care for.

I am blessed and I know that. And I also know that with a lot of work that someday I will beat this and I will be happy. I want to be happy and I can be happy. And where there's a will, there is a way. I just need to find my way.