DAY 1622... When Ours Minds Lie

When I was only 14,

I was diagnosed with severe depression.

Although I loved high school,
and was very active during that time,

emotionally,

it was a really difficult time for me.

I have been on every single medication imaginable,

I have talked to numerous therapists,

and since that day,

I have also been diagnosed with severe anxiety.

At night,

I lay awake in bed often.

My mind racing,

my heart pounding,

and my hands shaking.

During the day,

headed to the store,

my mind starts racing,

my heart starts pounding,

and my hands began to shake again.

Not because I am scared,

but because of the anxiety that comes to me in every situation that takes place outside my home.

It even happens when people come to my house.

I can be visiting a friend,

or simply having family over,

people who I know without a doubt do not judge me,

and still these symptoms will present themselves.

Having babies did not make these symptoms any better.

I do not blame my children at all.

I do not blame anyone but myself.

It's my mind,

it's my body,

and no one can really do anything about that...

except for me.

In the past I developed horrible habits to deal with theses emotions.

Luckily,

I had some friends who broke me of these habits and helped me.

Today,

prayer and exercise are the best ways I have found to fight my inner demons.

Exercise is so helpful.

But there are so many days where I am so low,

that I cannot physically bring myself to actually exercise.

I have learned that what works for one person,

doesn't work for everyone.

When you open yourself up,

and expose your mental illness,

so many people,

out of the goodness of their hearts,

will give you suggestions or tips as to how to help.

I use to get really annoyed at this,

but then I realized that if they were taking the time to make suggestions,

they were only trying to help.

How can you be upset with someone who is only trying to help?

I have also learned that many people do not understand mental illness at all.

I married someone who has never experienced these feelings,

and who frankly,

does not understand how I feel or how this affects me.

He does his best,

bless his heart.

I know that this cannot be easy for him to deal with.

I would say that my min dis plagued by this negative and anxious thoughts about 80% of the day.

They sneak in when I think that I'm happy.

They sneak in when I am least expecting it.

They sneak in when I am playing with my kids.

I have learned to push them aside.

But there are times when they are just too powerful for my mind.

So,

that's when they linger and I tend to doubt myself and my abilities more than ever.

Overcoming anxiety and depression will be a lifelong journey for me.

There are times when I feel really good,

but there are also times that I feel really bad.

I am actively learning more how to manage and deal with these lies that my mind tells me,

and sometimes that means cutting people out of my life.

Sometimes it means unfollowing people on social media.

Sometimes it means I choose not to see certain people.

Sometimes it means that I go to bed early.

Sometimes it means that I feel like a hermit and don't leave the house.

Sometimes it means that I do not respond to texts.

Sometimes it means that people get the wrong impression of me.

But part of dealing with my mental state,

is not caring about what other people think.

Of course,

that is so hard to do,

but some days I am really really successful at doing that.

But when I fail,

I fail hard.

But it's okay to fail.

And I'm learning that.

I have to remind myself of that every,

single,

day.

But I am learning.

And any progress,

no matter how small,

is progress.

I may never rid myself of the demons in my head,

but I can,

and I will,

manage it.

It's okay to struggle and to have faults.

But ignoring them,

and refusing the deal with them,

is where we will land ourselves in a place where no one deserves to be.

I think that it's also really important to not allow yourself to be put down or bullied by others because of your weaknesses.
I did that.
I allowed an organization to bully me because of my anxiety and depression,
and I lost something that I loved dearly because of it.
I really regret that.
Ironically,
this same organization has won awards for their help and willingness to fight mental illness.
Shake
My
Head.

How we protect ourselves from the demons in our minds will vary,
and it's up to you to find what works.
But I know,
without a doubt,
that there is hope for every single person.
Your world may be the darkest black in this hour,
but I know that it does get better.
It doesn't always stay better and there will always be storms to weather,
but there is always hope.