DAY 1445... I'm Not Ready

Aniston starts preschool on September 1st. She also starts gymnastics and dance class the same day.

I'm not ready.

Do I have to send her to preschool? No.

Does she need to go to gymnastics and dance class? No.

But she wants to and and more than that she is ready for it.

As I Mom, I cannot deny her of her desires just out of my purely selfish reasons.

I wish that I could though.

I'm thankful that I will have Benson here to keep me company and remind me that 'm not alone, but I will surely miss my Ani Kate.

We all know how well I do with change... BOO!

As we have been preparing for school to start we have been busy doing the typical things for back to school. We went school clothes shopping for the first time, which was amazing and a nightmare at the same time. I should have known how opinionated she was going to be when at 2 1/2 she demanded to be Batman for Halloween. This girl knows exactly what she wants and how she wants it. I'm going to start getting sneaky. We have set up pictures, we have bought a new backpack, we are technically ready.

Since Aniston is my oldest child and this is all completely new to Spencer and I, I have been searching for back to school traditions that we could start as a family. I really want for my children to have positive memories and outlooks on starting a new school year. I have been searching the internet and asking friends with school aged children to share with me their back to school traditions. I am dying to find some amazing traditions that I can start with me family.

Because of my anxiety, the first day of school was typically pretty hard for me. I was terrified of not knowing where my classes were (I made sure to get to school super early and to find all my classes, in the order I would be attending them so that I wouldn't get lost), I was worried my locker wouldn't open because I would forget the combo, even though I had it written down in a million places. I was worried that I would wear the wrong thing or that my friends would have decided that they no longer wanted to be my friend. I was worried about where I would sit during lunch and who I would sit by during classes. I can look back now and laugh (kind of) because I always had friends and never had to worry about these things. It helped that during the Fall and Winter I wore my cheerleading outfit or something cheer to school once or twice a week so I didn't really ever have to worry about the clothes thing. But even though I can laugh about my past, I hope that Aniston doesn't have these same fears or develop these same fears as she gets older.

How, as a Mom, can a teach her and prepare her to be strong and courageous? It's my biggest fear that Aniston will turn out to be like me. I want her to be so much more.

I wish that I had been so much more.

I know that I had a potential to be more than I was, but I had no confidence in myself or in what I was capable of.

I regret that.

I want Aniston to be strong, smart, confident and so many other things, but I also want her to be kind. I want to teach her to love everyone and to help everyone and that she can be friends with everyone. I want her to set an example and to be the person that I never was.

We both don't really know what to expect. But one thing I do know... I'm pretty sure my precious 3 year old daughter will handle her first day of preschool a thousand times better than I will.

If you have any amazing back to school traditions that you would like to share, please let me know! I would love some inspiration!

Monday Munchies... Winger's Chicken

I love eating out.

I do not love eating out with children all the time. It's way harder to eat when you bring kids... at least it's harder to eat your food when it's hot. But when do mom's ever get to eat hot food right? Or, let's be honest, when do Mom's even get to eat at all? I feel like a majority of my meals are eaten while I'm hiding in the bathroom or in my closet. It is what it is.

One of my old friends gave me this amazingly simple recipe before I got married and it rocked my socks off!

When Spencer and I were first married, we ate this meal 2-3 times a week. Then Aniston was born and we didn't have it anymore because we got sick of it. So 3 years later we have reintroduced ourselves to it and we are once again OBSESSED!

SHOPPING LIST:
Popcorn Chicken (the only place I can ever find this is at Walmart and even then sometimes it's just not there. I always stock up and buy 3 or 4 packages when I can find it. Thank goodness for chest freezers right?)
3 Tbsp Frank's Hot Sauce
3/4 cup Brown Sugar
2 Tbsp Water
Rice (white or brown... you choose)
Shredded Cheese (optional, but exceptional if added)

1. Cook rice according to the package.

2. Cook chicken according to the package. (haha... tough recipe)

3. Combine Frank's Hot Sauce, brown sugar and water into a small pot and bring to a boil on the stove top.

4. Put chicken on top of rice, and pour sauce over all.

5. Top with cheese if desired (who wouldn't desire this?)

ENJOY!!!

I will give you a heads up... the sauce is a little spicy. A lot of sauce can go a long way for sure! My 3 year old loves this meal, minus the sauce.

This is so simple and so easy and of course delicious!

If you wanted to lower your carb intake, I'm sure grilled chicken would taste just as delicious as the popcorn chicken does.

A cool refreshing salad paired with this spicy hot meal is PERFECTION!

Family Fun Friday... Madison County Fair

I love the fair! Growing up my grandparents always worked their fair, the Pend Oreille County Fair in Cusick, WA (remember, population 25) in the poultry barn and we usually would spend 2 or 3 full days there. Some of my best memories growing up happened at this fair! It was such a magical and amazing place.

During my high school days, the Deschutes County Fair was the highlight of our summer. When it was built, it was the 5th largest fair grounds west of the Mississippi. It is HUGE and beautiful! I always worked the dunk tank as a fundraiser for cheerleading so I was always there, but I spent the entire week and those amazing summer nights with my friends riding rides, eating amazing food and gathering so much free stuff! I NEED a Beaver Burrito ASAP!!!! It's been 11 years too long!!!

In approximately 10 minutes, we did everything and saw everything that there was to see at the Madison County Fair.

Lamest. Thing. Ever.

This is the Madison County Fair...

But it is free, and there are some animals so it keeps Aniston happy. But seriously... My heart kind of breaks for the kids here who are going to have this experience of a fair from their childhood. I want to tell them all that it is so much better everywhere else!!!!

There were no rides, but about 7 different bouncy houses. Aniston attempted to play in one, but there was water everywhere inside of it and she didn't love it. Then we found out that it cost $10 to play in it. Our bad. Thanks but no thanks. That is insane right? I mean to get into the fair is free, but $10 for a bouncy house in 93 degree weather? No way Jose!

The highlight of the show was definitely the animals!

This adorable young boy brought over his bunny for the kids to pet and see and it was just the sweetest thing. Benson's eyes just brightened up when he saw that bunny!

This was Aniston after she learned that the little brown rocks she was picking up was actually rabbit poop.

Gross.

Aniston kept yelling, "Mom! Look! Cow butts!" It's just my opinion, but when the highlight of the fair is looking at cow butts, there's a HUGE problem!

HELP!

Shout out to my amazing husband who pushed the double stroller through the grass like a boss!

Until next year Madison County Fair. Yes, despite my dislike for this particular fair we will return because my kids love animals and I believe that things can improve and get better. For example... last year they didn't have this cool banner....

DAY 1438... Being Honest With Myself

On one of my nightly tub escapes (I'm not the only mom who escapes to take a bath right), I found myself watching a new popular reality show (10 points if you know which one I was watching). It began with this quote:

It really got me thinking.

I know, without a doubt, that I am not and have never been honest with myself.

It's a HUGE character flaw for sure.

I. Hate. It.

In my opinion, there are several ways in which you can be honest with yourself. You can be honest with yourself when it comes to family, friends, religion and yourself.

-FAMILY-

I absolutely LOVE being a mom. But it is straight up, the most exhausting thing I have ever done in my life. It seems like everyday I wake up, and I fight waking up because I never really wake up because I've been awake all night, and wonder how I am even able to function.

If I am being completely honest with myself, I'm probably not the best mom. I try, but I fail. I am not as patient as I should be. I raise my voice a little too often. I probably turn Disney movies on too much to entertain my children so that I can actually clean my house or just have a minute of peace. If I am being honest, I feel guilty about that. I never want my children to think that I don't love them, or that I didn't do enough for them. That's one of my biggest fears.

If I am being honest with myself I feel completely inadequate as far as being a good mom goes. I feel constant pressure to have my kids dressed and put together from head to toe at all times. I enjoy getting them ready and dressed, but I feel like if even one hair is out of place I will be labelled as a bad Mom. I will be labelled but strangers, friends, family, anyone who sees my children will think that I don't love them enough to get them dressed and ready for the day. I feel pressure to always have a clean house. It doesn't matter what time or day or what my kids are playing with, it needs to be clean.

If I am being honest with myself, I probably need to try harder in my marriage. Because I feel so tried all the time, not a legit excuse I know, I tend to get short tempered and mean sometimes. I'm like a baby. If I am sassy or mean, give me food or let me take a nap and all will be well. But there isn't time for a nap and I definitely can't eat what I want to eat if I want to change the way I look. If I am being honest with myself, I know that I feel resentment towards my husband sometimes because I feel like I'm left alone a lot, and that I'm expected to keep the house clean and make dinner and do laundry and all of those things that just are not fun to do. Sometimes I need a break too.

If I am being honest with myself, I know that my relationship with a certain sibling blows. We just do not get along. Maybe this sibling wants to get along with me, but the things that are happening in this siblings home destroys me. It keeps me awake at night just thinking about the circumstances and choices that they have made. I can't handle it. I honestly don't want to. I have tried so hard to be patient and loving but I emotionally cannot be that anymore. I feel taken advantage of and used and judged because I do not offer tolerance. But if I am honest with myself, I do want this sibling to succeed and thrive and to do well. I just simply cannot deal with that sibling anymore. Grow up, take care of your life and stop making excuses.

-FRIENDS-

I can honestly count the number of people I consider to be friends on one hand. I generally don't like people. It's the honest truth. I cannot handle the falseness, the pettiness and the lies that are constantly told. Especially in Rexburg, ID. I am just intolerant and, after years of allowing myself to be treated poorly by "friends", I just don't do it anymore. It's a waste of my time.

If I am being honest, I would like to have more friends, who appreciate me and who genuinely want to spend time with me, but the process of finding those people is overwhelming and really tough. I honestly do not feel as though I have the energy or the time to do so. My family comes first, and if you make me choose between my children and you, I will pick my kids. Every. Single. Time.

If I am being honest, I feel as though making friends in Rexburg is kind of a waste of time. Everyone who is here feels and thinks as though they are here temporarily and they do not put the effort into their friendships that people who are settled do. The worst part is that they think it's okay.

If I am being honest, I would rather not have any friends at all than fake friends. I don't do fake.

-RELIGION-

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know it and believe it and have practiced it. But if I am being honest with myself, I am not a very good member of the Church. I don't study the scriptures as I should. I don't pray as often as I should. I don't go to Church every single Sunday. I absolutely HATE Relief Society with a passion. I have never liked it and although I have tried numerous ways to fix this issue, nothing has worked.

If I am being honest with myself, church is the place where I feel the most judged. If I am not dressed perfectly with hair done and a full face of makeup (PS - I only wear mascara and occasionally I use eye shadow and eye liner but I have never learned or care to learn how to do makeup. I don't want to wear it) if my children are not perfectly groomed and well behaved people judge you. They watch you, they glare at you when your 8 month old throws his binky into their pew, and heaven help you if your baby cries because ain't no one got time or patience to hear your baby cry. I feel judged when Aniston is having a hard day and I put on her headphones and let her watch something on the iPad in order to keep her quiet and calm. It works.

I believe the Church is true and perfect, but I know without a doubt that the members are not. I need to get over that or maybe just get out of Rexburg. If I am being honest I feel as though going to Church and being LDS outside of Idaho and Utah is so much better of an experience. If I am being honest, I am counting down the days until we can get out of Idaho and Utah.

-MYSELF-

This is where it gets deep. If I am being honest with myself, I hate myself. I hate absolutely everything about myself. I hate that I am x amount of pounds overweight. I hate that even if I don't drink soda for 7 months and eat clean and exercise, nothing happens. I hate the way I look, the thoughts that I have, the memories I have and just anything and everything.

If I am being honest with myself, my hate for myself is the reason I don't like leaving the house. It's the reason I don't want friends and it's the reason that I don't show excitement or emotions besides crying often, because I know that it's temporary and that it will go downhill somehow.

If I am being honest with myself I miss coaching more and more everyday. My heart hurts and yearns for it. It was such a big part of my life for so many years, and it was something I thought that I was good at, but I don't have it and haven't had it for 2 years now and it still hurts really really bad. I cherish the friendships that I have made through coaching, but it's really hard to be reminded of how happy I was doing that and how I feel now. I know that it was my choice to quit and it was the right thing at the time, but it doesn't make it any easier.

If I am being honest with myself I feel like I fail at absolutely everything. I feel as though as hard as I try that I can't do anything right. There's always something, even the smallest something, that I have done wrong or just isn't good enough. 

If I am being honest with myself I am emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and insanely exhausted!

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I could honestly go on and on, but the fact remains that honestly, I absolutely hate myself in every single way possible.

By becoming honest with myself and by understanding and knowing that these are my feelings, I am ready for a change. I am ready to change the world. I am ready to make a difference. I don't know how or where to start. I know that some of my feelings stem from Postpartum Depression, and I know that since I was 14 that I have been on every single type of medication available. I have been to multiple counselors and have tried so many other outlets in order to rid myself of these feelings and thoughts. 

But they remain.

Every day I am reminded how I am not good enough and I hate that. I honestly hate that.

I am ready to be honest with myself and ready to make changes and be the person who I have always wanted to be.