DAY 1438... Being Honest With Myself

On one of my nightly tub escapes (I'm not the only mom who escapes to take a bath right), I found myself watching a new popular reality show (10 points if you know which one I was watching). It began with this quote:

It really got me thinking.

I know, without a doubt, that I am not and have never been honest with myself.

It's a HUGE character flaw for sure.

I. Hate. It.

In my opinion, there are several ways in which you can be honest with yourself. You can be honest with yourself when it comes to family, friends, religion and yourself.

-FAMILY-

I absolutely LOVE being a mom. But it is straight up, the most exhausting thing I have ever done in my life. It seems like everyday I wake up, and I fight waking up because I never really wake up because I've been awake all night, and wonder how I am even able to function.

If I am being completely honest with myself, I'm probably not the best mom. I try, but I fail. I am not as patient as I should be. I raise my voice a little too often. I probably turn Disney movies on too much to entertain my children so that I can actually clean my house or just have a minute of peace. If I am being honest, I feel guilty about that. I never want my children to think that I don't love them, or that I didn't do enough for them. That's one of my biggest fears.

If I am being honest with myself I feel completely inadequate as far as being a good mom goes. I feel constant pressure to have my kids dressed and put together from head to toe at all times. I enjoy getting them ready and dressed, but I feel like if even one hair is out of place I will be labelled as a bad Mom. I will be labelled but strangers, friends, family, anyone who sees my children will think that I don't love them enough to get them dressed and ready for the day. I feel pressure to always have a clean house. It doesn't matter what time or day or what my kids are playing with, it needs to be clean.

If I am being honest with myself, I probably need to try harder in my marriage. Because I feel so tried all the time, not a legit excuse I know, I tend to get short tempered and mean sometimes. I'm like a baby. If I am sassy or mean, give me food or let me take a nap and all will be well. But there isn't time for a nap and I definitely can't eat what I want to eat if I want to change the way I look. If I am being honest with myself, I know that I feel resentment towards my husband sometimes because I feel like I'm left alone a lot, and that I'm expected to keep the house clean and make dinner and do laundry and all of those things that just are not fun to do. Sometimes I need a break too.

If I am being honest with myself, I know that my relationship with a certain sibling blows. We just do not get along. Maybe this sibling wants to get along with me, but the things that are happening in this siblings home destroys me. It keeps me awake at night just thinking about the circumstances and choices that they have made. I can't handle it. I honestly don't want to. I have tried so hard to be patient and loving but I emotionally cannot be that anymore. I feel taken advantage of and used and judged because I do not offer tolerance. But if I am honest with myself, I do want this sibling to succeed and thrive and to do well. I just simply cannot deal with that sibling anymore. Grow up, take care of your life and stop making excuses.

-FRIENDS-

I can honestly count the number of people I consider to be friends on one hand. I generally don't like people. It's the honest truth. I cannot handle the falseness, the pettiness and the lies that are constantly told. Especially in Rexburg, ID. I am just intolerant and, after years of allowing myself to be treated poorly by "friends", I just don't do it anymore. It's a waste of my time.

If I am being honest, I would like to have more friends, who appreciate me and who genuinely want to spend time with me, but the process of finding those people is overwhelming and really tough. I honestly do not feel as though I have the energy or the time to do so. My family comes first, and if you make me choose between my children and you, I will pick my kids. Every. Single. Time.

If I am being honest, I feel as though making friends in Rexburg is kind of a waste of time. Everyone who is here feels and thinks as though they are here temporarily and they do not put the effort into their friendships that people who are settled do. The worst part is that they think it's okay.

If I am being honest, I would rather not have any friends at all than fake friends. I don't do fake.

-RELIGION-

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know it and believe it and have practiced it. But if I am being honest with myself, I am not a very good member of the Church. I don't study the scriptures as I should. I don't pray as often as I should. I don't go to Church every single Sunday. I absolutely HATE Relief Society with a passion. I have never liked it and although I have tried numerous ways to fix this issue, nothing has worked.

If I am being honest with myself, church is the place where I feel the most judged. If I am not dressed perfectly with hair done and a full face of makeup (PS - I only wear mascara and occasionally I use eye shadow and eye liner but I have never learned or care to learn how to do makeup. I don't want to wear it) if my children are not perfectly groomed and well behaved people judge you. They watch you, they glare at you when your 8 month old throws his binky into their pew, and heaven help you if your baby cries because ain't no one got time or patience to hear your baby cry. I feel judged when Aniston is having a hard day and I put on her headphones and let her watch something on the iPad in order to keep her quiet and calm. It works.

I believe the Church is true and perfect, but I know without a doubt that the members are not. I need to get over that or maybe just get out of Rexburg. If I am being honest I feel as though going to Church and being LDS outside of Idaho and Utah is so much better of an experience. If I am being honest, I am counting down the days until we can get out of Idaho and Utah.

-MYSELF-

This is where it gets deep. If I am being honest with myself, I hate myself. I hate absolutely everything about myself. I hate that I am x amount of pounds overweight. I hate that even if I don't drink soda for 7 months and eat clean and exercise, nothing happens. I hate the way I look, the thoughts that I have, the memories I have and just anything and everything.

If I am being honest with myself, my hate for myself is the reason I don't like leaving the house. It's the reason I don't want friends and it's the reason that I don't show excitement or emotions besides crying often, because I know that it's temporary and that it will go downhill somehow.

If I am being honest with myself I miss coaching more and more everyday. My heart hurts and yearns for it. It was such a big part of my life for so many years, and it was something I thought that I was good at, but I don't have it and haven't had it for 2 years now and it still hurts really really bad. I cherish the friendships that I have made through coaching, but it's really hard to be reminded of how happy I was doing that and how I feel now. I know that it was my choice to quit and it was the right thing at the time, but it doesn't make it any easier.

If I am being honest with myself I feel like I fail at absolutely everything. I feel as though as hard as I try that I can't do anything right. There's always something, even the smallest something, that I have done wrong or just isn't good enough. 

If I am being honest with myself I am emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and insanely exhausted!

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I could honestly go on and on, but the fact remains that honestly, I absolutely hate myself in every single way possible.

By becoming honest with myself and by understanding and knowing that these are my feelings, I am ready for a change. I am ready to change the world. I am ready to make a difference. I don't know how or where to start. I know that some of my feelings stem from Postpartum Depression, and I know that since I was 14 that I have been on every single type of medication available. I have been to multiple counselors and have tried so many other outlets in order to rid myself of these feelings and thoughts. 

But they remain.

Every day I am reminded how I am not good enough and I hate that. I honestly hate that.

I am ready to be honest with myself and ready to make changes and be the person who I have always wanted to be.